CWG in 3G

Disclaimer: The b*****d depicted in this dialogue is non-fictious and resemblance to any person living is purely non-coincidental

CWG in 3G

Cast: ‘Sir U Made Lakhs’ aka Suresh Kalmadi along with a CBI official

Scene: At the CBI office, New Delhi

__________________________________________________

*a restless Kalmadi in custody asks his lawyer*

Kalmadi: “Mujhe CWG ‘khelna’ hain, kab kheloonga main??? Kab nikloonga main yahaan se???”

*goes and asks the CBI official, while soulful pipe music plays in the background*

Kalmadi: “Baat nahin karni thi to bulaya kyun?”

CBI: “Yahaan pe ek over-bridge hua karta tha”

*Kalmadi looks down sheepishly with the background music changing to ‘Queen’s baton rally’*

CBI: “Mr. Suresh Kalmadi, ek minister ki nazar kabhi paise pe nahi honi chahiye!”

Kalmadi: “Tu rukh zara... tujhe toh baad mein dekhta hoon”

CBI: “Rough mat khel, tu hain meri moothi mein! Aur ek baat bata, tumhare jaise aur kaun kaun se minister idhar CBI office mein aane baki hain?”

Kalmadi: “No Idea!”

CBI: “Then get Idea, till I count 1,2,3…!”

          

*Kalmadi tries to sweet-talk the CBI official and opens his touchscreen phone (with 3G) and shows it to the CBI office in an inviting manner, ala apna MSD*

Kalmadi: “Coffee?? Chupchup gupshup suru ho jaane do… Dosti ki sab baatein guftagoo mein chalne do…”

*kahani ka climax…*

CBI: “Nahi! Ab hum hain FASTER SMARTER and BETTER, aur Tihar will be your abode forever!!!”

*the signature tune ‘Tan tan tadan tan…’ starts playing and reaches a crescendo*

CUT!

__________________________________________________

Credits –

Dialogue conceived by: Rohan Pandit

Original scripts: Airtel, Idea, Aircel

"Whistle blower"

I love train journeys. I can't say it enough and I can't get enough of them. So what if we still have only holes in the floors of our toilets or still have to rely on metal chains to secure our luggage; train journeys are fun… and relaxing… and oh so comfortable! Unlike a bus journey, you don't have to worry about when the next pee-stop will be and whether you will have to look for a thick bush or a big tree. Unlike a plane journey, you don't have to get to the place at some god forsaken hour and some hundreds of god forsaken hours before the scheduled departure nor worry about not looking good for the journey, or worse still wonder which one of your co-passengers is carrying that suspicious looking piece of luggage.

You get to the railway station either on time or later, because not in the history of Indian Railways has any train come before time. If it is late, you look at your fellow passengers, give that all knowing shake of head and comment about the state of Indian Railways. Following which, you buy a book or a magazine, plonk yourself on a small piece of ledge or bench, asking the people to move and make that little place, while giving them the half apologetic, half ‘come-on-lets-be-nice-now’ look. You may start reading your material but you still look around, to look out for any interesting specimens, and of course to make sure every five minutes that your luggage, which is at your feet, is still there and very much safe!

Since it is a place always bustling with people, your eyes don't linger long enough. Occasionally you catch someone else doing the same. You look away, you don't maintain eye contact for long. You don't want to discover acquaintances, you don't want to strike a conversation. You just want to bide your time till the train comes. Beggars approach you, you pretend to not notice them. They look at you, they stay for a while, they judge you. If you look easy, they don't move away till they see you dig into your purse/wallet for that coin. If you don't, they move to the next person. If the train is really late, you catch the same beggars again and again. The same rounds, the same expression, the same tone, the same perseverance…

You see someone interesting. A kid, a family, a lady, a man, a bunch of students, a group of senior citizens, a gang of what looks like ruffians. You look at them in between flipping pages of your reading material. You don't want to alarm them, make them feel conscious, break their rhythm, draw their attention to you. You wonder if they are locals or tourists. You try to decide based on their clothing and mannerisms. You wonder if they are boarding the same train, if they will be your companions for the next few hours. You wish they are, you wish they aren't. 

Just then there is a rustle on the platform - a collective movement. Someone heard a whistle, someone saw a train approaching. The announcements are read out over the microphone in the same monotone. You can barely catch it, except if you hear hard enough, the train number and/or the train name. All you rely on are the porters, who are the best source of information. They'll tell you which train is late before even the enquiry section comes to know of it. They'll even tell you why, if you ask them nice enough and if they are bored enough. Then they walk away. They have to be at some place, they have to make a living. 

The train finally arrives. The whole platform is now alive. You see the mad rush for the doors of the general compartment. You let out a silent shudder, thanking your stars that you don't have to be a part of it. The snob in you wonders why they can't just be civil. The rest of you feels ashamed at that thought. You walk up to your bogie and see that the scene isn't too different here. The only difference is in the attire. People are still crowding around the door, not even letting the ones inside alight. You wait for it to clear.

You get inside, not even giving a second look to the station or platform. You are more bothered about finding your seat, securing your luggage and getting comfortable. Your journey has just begun…

PS: This post can also be placed under the subject line: An hour at the Railway Station, as we used to get in school essays

The Perfect Circle

When you were a little kid and given a pencil, you must have started with drawing simple shapes like a square, a rectangle or maybe a circle; your parents might have held the tiny hands of yours and helped you feel the beauty of holding the pencil and the power of expressing yourself.

Drawing a circle is often what most kids start with: the flower which you first drew with the little bud in the centre, the iris of the eye or the bright yellow sun which you drew on fresh papyrus, etc. The one thing which was tricky in these was drawing the circle. Most of the time you wouldn’t end up at the starting point as you curve the circle into shape otherwise it turned out into an oval or any abstract shape. In fact it has been observed that even the finest of artists cannot draw a perfect circle without leaving little smudges somewhere.

Now, you must be wondering what’s my point anyway? Well there is a lot more about The Perfect Circle…

Anchor yourself

If you want to draw the flawless circle you would use the compass anchoring the sharp end to the centre of the paper, anchoring yourself and gripping to the focus is crucial. If I can take the liberty of analogizing, it’s more like anchoring to your faith or religion. I’m someone who believes every religion enunciates the same values just like how your Math teacher taught when you were young, it’s very important to have a firm anchor around which you move and which can guide you as you shape the arc. Once you finish the circle, the centre is not visible to the naked eye, but it's decisive to give you the necessary direction and guidance just like God whom you cannot see and yet the presence which is important as you shape up!

The strong spike

The spike or the long arm of the compass is like your conscience which is pivoted to your faith which helps you define what your values are. It encompasses what our ethics and ideals are and the inherent humane feelings which makes us a social being. Just like a good spike which is made of steel rather than plastic, our principles give us the strength and ability to link with our faith. Most of us have these ideals but sometimes we end up in situations questioning them or weighing whether to hold on to them. Maybe the compass leg is made of steel but holding on to it is more worth than its weight in gold!

The pencil

The pencil is YOU! There is no point in having the right anchor or the perfect compass unless you tighten the pencil well. Eventually the artist who etches the circle is you and how good you can do it depends on how well you hold yourself to the compass!

The centre, the compass and the pencil together creates the wonderful synergy. There has been times in my life when I thought I could draw the circle just with the pencil and I failed. Then I thought I could be the atheist: a compass with a well tightened pencil but without dropping the anchor anywhere and then I wondered, if love could happen without a reason why do I need to seek reasoning in the existence of God and I sought for the anchor. Well, it is no good if you have the focus and a nice compass and yet the pencil is loosely held - a pencil which is clinging on and yet wobbling around - that what many of us are like, I believe!

And when you have everything right, the faith in your anchor, the paragon compass and you are secured well to it like a kid holding tight to its mother, you get it - you grow from the little kid who started with a flimsy pencil to a fine person who can draw the perfect circle - the perfectly meaningful circle of life!

PS: This post might have sounded like one from a Reverend Rohan(!) but believe me, I didn’t mean to be preachy :P

The World Cup - A Sachin Tendulkar Story

I'd never been this nervous while watching cricket. At some point during the quarter finals against Australia, I understood why. When Tendulkar nicked one off Shaun Tait and walked back - images of the man with small eyes staring upwards and walking back dejected beamed on the TV screen. Is that it? Will I ever see him again in a WC ODI?

Anyone who has followed Tendulkar's career closely, and many have, would remember the pain of 1996, 1999 and 2003 (didn't/couldn't follow 1992 for obvious reasons). His very first batting line-up, I learn from Baba and other sources included Shastri, Srikkanth, Azhar, Tendulkar, Kambli, Manjrekar, Kapil and Kiran More. India never really got going that tournament. The only matches we won in that entire world cup (against Pakistan and Zimbabwe) Tendulkar was the MoM - and a superb 81 against NZ going to waste because of Greatbatch's heroics. No Indian fan really expected India to win the world cup. The team had 3 ex-captains and were generally screwed even before the cup began. But that was the beginning of new India. As the oft-repeated cliche goes. A new economic India was born, The cable TV era began with Star TV coming to India. Liberating us from License Raj and DD. Sachin Tendulkar and A.R. Rahman were introduced to the new India. My generation began to dream.

1996: was to me was the ultimate Tendulkar's World Cup. It was a world cup where we had a real chance. And Tendulkar represented that chance. Anybody who was in school/college during the time - became part of the Tendulkar generation. He became the reason for watching cricket. And how! From what I've read about SRT, New Zealand was the place where thanks to N.S. Sidhu - who went on to be the worst T.V. commentator ever - we had discovered that Sachin could open and do a Mark Greatbatch. Here was one man who could challenge anybody. The rest were humans. But Sachin was a cricketing god who could tame any team. Even Ambrose and McGrath went for an economy rate of over 5 an over. Every single game barring the Pakistan game became a Tendulkar show. He was the highest scorer in the tournament scoring an amazing 523 runs. It was the one man batting line-up with Sidhu, Manjrekar, Azhar, Kambli, Jadeja, Mongia merely acting as props. Unsurprisingly no other Indian was in the top 20 highest scorers list. To put it simply, if Tendulkar failed, Game over. Also, the stumping of a wide ball against M. Waugh was stuff of Greek tragedy. In that context - that we reached the semi finals was a super human effort. It showed the distance that one man could carry an average team. Tendulkar tragically got stumped in the most freakish way possible in the all-important Semi against Sri Lanka though. Game over. It was probably the saddest moment then. No one in my age-group knew how 1983 felt like. We wanted another one. And we had to wait.

1999: Turned on the TV to find out Tendulkar not in the team. Why? It took a while for the commentators to mention his personal tragedy. The only match he wasn't with the team - we managed to lose to Zimbabwe. Damn! That was the reason we didn't make the semi finals. This was a world cup where we actually had a batting line-up. It was the new generation batting line-up that had the core 3 batsman. This core would go on to redefine the country's cricketing future. Ganguly, Tendulkar, Dravid were that core nucleus who were teamed with S. Ramesh, Azhar, Jadeja, Robin Singh. It seemed like a decent line-up on paper but the batting machine took a while to start given Sachin's absence and our fate was sealed by the time the first two matches of the world cup were over.

2003: was the world cup of the awesome Tendulkar. The difference between 1996 and 2003 was that it was no more Tendulkar vs India. It was more of Tendulkar vs the other team with Indians finally learning how to close matches without choking after their best batsman got out. There was finally some value to the 4th, 5th and 6th batsman. Sachin started with a 80 against Zimbabwe, went on to hand back Caddick a new a**, and hit some incredible 90s against Pak (one innings which I won't forget in a long time), SL. 673 runs. A level of maniacal scoring that surpasses any other sporting achievement I have seen. That we reached the finals in spite of Sehwag and Ganguly underperforming beyond belief is a testament to the superhuman efforts of 1 man. And then the finals became Tendulkar vs India. Again. To a few others we lost the match after Zaheer's  first over. To most the match was beyond over by lunch. Some even wondered the need to walk out to bat second. Might as well have completed the presentation ceremony at lunch. Only a few retarded morons thought the match was over after Tendulkar got out in the first over! To see him answer questions asked of him the post-match interview after winning the MVP/MoS award was heart-wrenching. It was the most painful thing. More painful than Ian Chappell sadistically torturing Lance Klusner when he won the 1999 MVP award.

2007: We deserved to lose. If there is a captain or a coach who thought that Sehwag or Ganguly (or anyone else) are better ODI openers than Sachin Tendulkar - neither of them deserve anything better than a first round exit. I cannot think of a cricketing strategy that has statistically failed more times, more reliably and more painfully than Tendulkar at #4. This suggestion alone is a high confidence indicator that the person suggesting it has no cricketing brains. I was glad that our exit was as shameful as it turned out to be.

...

2011: And there we were. In the Quarter finals of the world cup 2011 against Australia. India was still undecided about Sachin vs India. In the two matches against Englands and South Africa - India successfully pulled off a strong resistance to Sachin's efforts to win us the match. This Indian team had the best batting line-up I have ever seen in any team in any world cup. Every single person was capable of changing the match in their own right. So when Sachin was walking back towards the pavilion after getting caught behind to Tait - I was thinking - is this the end? Has all the pain come to naught? Will the greatest batsman of my generation not win the world cup. Then Gautam Gambhir stepped up his act. Then Yuvraj and then Raina. Finally it looked like this was India vs the other team (way better than just Sachin vs the other team). The icing on the cake was him winning the 3rd MoM award in a total of 5 WC clashes against Pakistan (though the one he least deserved, I feel). To me beating Pakistan was high up the priority list. Pakistan stand comprehensively defeated by India for the past 15 years. That Javed Miandad Six is buried somewhere in Chetan Sharma's retirement fund.

There were several points in the QF, Semis and Finals where I just couldn't bear the tension. This is arguably the best world cup I have seen and featured some of the best matches involving India. Every single match against a test playing nation was closely contested, could have gone either way and was tense as hell. I am glad we won it the way we did. Ironically, his world cup campaign started in 1992 with a caught behind to Stewart (I'm told) and ended with a caught behind to Sangakkara. 

Virat Kohli summed up the entire history of Tendulkar at the post-match interviews with one powerful line. And I can't believe he was this articulate so naturally. No one could have come up with that line even if they were given a day to prepare. And he said it causally - "Sachin has carried the nation on his shoulders for 21 years, it is time we carried him on our shoulders!" They did that literally and metaphorically through their performances. It was the one of the most memorable days of my life; and after almost a decade of cynicism I truly became a believer. The Master finally has what he deserved all this while!